Socially awkward or inappropriate, take your pick.

I'm having a pity party. And I feel like it's okay to post it here because I know noone reads my blog. Plus I really need to get some stuff off my chest, so here goes nothing....

What is wrong with me? All my life I have felt like I don't fit in. I don't know if it's just because my brain is hard wired different or whatever, but as far back as I can remember I have always had this ability to make people uncomfortable or disconnected from me by being socially inappropriate. It's so frustrating to say what you feel is appropriate to you and be totally opposite of what the other person was expecting, thus resulting in them loosing confidence in whatever credibility they thought you had.

Over the last two weeks I've had two experiences that I can't seem to let go of. The first was at Relief Society. Now those who know me(mostly my family) know that I've become accustom to staying silent, smile, nod, act like you get what they're talking about. So I rarely offer any input in classes. I learned when I was a child, because of my social inappropriate answers to keep my mouth shut. Because most often it's not the answer the other person was looking for.

Our Relief Society president was teaching the lesson and posed the question, why is it important for us to take care of our bodies? The lesson was on body image. I felt confident I had an answer that would give more insight into the lesson. So raised my hand and offered my take, the word flowed effortlessly through me and it felt like truth to me. Still does. The expression on her face made my stomache churn and I knew that just then I spewed forth a crap load of social inappropriateness. She then said,"Well, that's depressing. Anyone else have a positive perspective on this question?" I wanted to dig myself a deep hole and just hide in it.

The other experience happened yesterday. As a doula, I'm very passionate about childbirth. So when a potential client seeks me out I meet with them to make sure we have a good connection. Birth is such a sacred experience, it's important that if you are hiring a doula that you have a connection with her. And I always encourage that the mom-to-be interview more than one doula, just to be sure.

So yesterday, I opened up my email and find that another doula in my POD(a doula group) has emailed me the entire email conversation between her and a potential client. I had already been interviewed by this potential client in the previous week. She stated in her emails to my fellow doula that she didn't have a connection with me. That would've been fine if she'd just left it there. But went on to talk about how I freaked her and her husband out and then exaggerate some of the things I said. I'm not sure what I did specifically, but I felt like I had been true to myself. I didn't misrepresent what birthing doulas are about. My fellow doula on the other hand was very unprofessional, in my opinion. She has been the one who has constantly reminded me of being professional when it comes to talking about other doulas to clients. I'm sorry, but what she said and then did is very two-faced. Her words talk about how appalling my behavior was with the client, mostly just trying to save face because she wanted to be hired by this client.

I'm starting to wonder what my mission here on earth is. Was I just meant to be a mom? I feel underneath that I'm more than that, but all I've learned from this earthly experience is that it's never good to be myself.

Happy Halloween!

What a busy day! We've had fun doing the costume parades and playing with lots of friends. I did made the kid's costumes this year. JA was the Transformer Bumblebee and our three girls were fairy princesses. I'm sooo stinkin' mad that I can't find our camera! I actually made cute costumes!

Happy Halloween everyone! Hope everyone has had a fruitful candy harvest!

JA's turn at the hospital

So last year my daughter, AL, broke her elbow. It required surgery and an overnight stay. JA and AL have lots in common now. They've been comparing their stories all weekend.

This year is JA's turn. Last Friday at school he and his little friend were being dare-devils as they jumped from the TOP of the slide. JA broke his fall by putting his elbow out in front from him. Yeah, he completely fractured it just above the elbow joint. My eyes about bugged out at the x-ray. I've broken a lot of bones, but none of my fractures looked like that. Wow!




I have to say that the staff up at Primary Children's is the best! They worked quickly to get JA comfortable and were very sweet and kind to me. JA had surgery and three pins placed in his elbow yesterday around 6 p.m. I got the honor of staying overnight with him this time because Josh stayed with AL last time. Those little pull out beds they have in the recovery rooms suck!

Poor little guy! He's been so brave through the whole thing. He did a lot of whimpering, but never cried. We're finally home, I'm tired and JA is totally doped up on Loretab and in a sling until the swelling goes down. We go back to Primary Children's next Friday for a cast, and he's all excited about the colors he gets to pick from. On a funny note, he walks around saying to everyone,"I can't believe I got my first broken bone!"

My day

I was very unproductive today, atleast that's how I feel because I wasn't inside my home for most of the day. However, I was being productive outside. My day starts at 7:30, I know for some that is like sleeping in, I guess I'm lucky then. Get the kids up, dressed, fed, scriptures read, and out the door. I join the early morning commute to JA's school in Davis Co. By the time I get back home my girls and I have been in the car for one hour, that's one hour too long! AM hates her carseat and she's still not big enough, even though she's 1, to be turned around. What can I say? Josh and I make tiny kids. Right when I get home is when I tend to my daily chores, but today our house in Sandy needed some attention - we're still trying to sell it in this sucky market. So pack the girls up again, screaming commences again, and off we go again. Clean, clean, clean - not that it wasn't already clean but when it sat for a long time it needs some spiffing up before its about be shown. Then it's off to pick JA up from school, I know I have all my kids with me because I can hear every single annoying whine and scream in the backseats, back to Sandy to make an appt, to the gas station, to Farnworth Farms to pick up Josh's favorite un-pasturized apple juice(this stuff is seriously the yummiest apple juice you'll ever drink - how's that for a plug?), to Costco(with all four screaming kids), and then back home. Have I mentioned that I'm a gluten for punishment?

I'm very thankful for loving, patient, understanding hubby. He was already home and he could tell by the look on my face that I had already surpassed today's emotional threshold. He let me go out the dinner by myself! It's was peaceful and quiet and I'm feeling oh so much better.

My mantra for tonight is tomorrow will be better, tomorrow will be better, tomorrow will be better!

California fires

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/21431682/

This event is bringing back a lot of memories. We lived in Los Angeles from 2000-04 in a suburb called Canoga Park. It's close to the I-118 freeway that connects to 1-5 on the East and runs West into Simi Valley. In 2003 there was a pretty big fire that came down into Porter Ranch, another suburb that was North of I-118. There was talk of evacuation because of the fear that the fire would jump the freeway into Chatsworth(on the other side of I-118)and we were just a few streets away. The smoke in the air was thick, even inside our home you couldn't escape the smell. Our pool was full of ash and other weird things falling out of the sky. It took a few weeks to get it completely cleaned out. My parents were totally freaked and called me every half hour for updates. Josh and I packed our valuables, had our 72-hour kits ready and all possible evacuation routes highlighted incase the freeways became to jammed. Fortunately the fire was contained and we never had to face that reality, but the anticipation was scary. My prayers are with those who live in sunny, Southern California.

Slug bug!

I taught my son a bad game. Oy! I don't remember how it started or who taught it to me, but the gist is you slug someone in the arm whenever you see a Volkswagon Beetle. So yeah, I'm driving him to school in a total hypnotic state when out of nowhere I get hit in the arm whilst hearing,"SLUG BUG *insert car color here*!!!" This happened three times on the way to his school. And he finds these cars in the most random places, not on the freeway while we're driving, but he'll see this particular car in parking lots, or on the other side of the road. I have to admit it, he's good.

Halloween is almost here! Yay!

More Funny Pictures at pYzam.com

One less plate

It's official, I've one less thing to do. I gave my Presidential resignation last week to the Utah Friends of Midwives Association. I'm sad. I really wanted to commit my all to this organization, but I can't. I just don't have the energy to give to my husband, children, my doula clients, my home, our finances. It sort of a relief, but I'm just sad. It doesn't mean that I can't contribute, I'll be doing plenty when it comes time to defend women's birthing rights. Hopefully I'm on the right path to getting my priorities straightened out.

Another sad thing, Shabby Princess has yanked their papers from Matie Kay's site. Boo on them! Those were some of the most creative blog layouts I've ever seen. I hope Matie will find a way to create her own, she has good taste. I did find another site that has free layouts. Pay a visit to http://www.pyzam.com/ to see what they have.

Happy Birthday to my baby!

My baby AM is 1 today!

I'm in deep hypnosis.

Smile! I'm 9 cm's here.

Yes, I have my baby! Total happiness. Look at all that hair!

Yep, another birthday to be celebrated. We have three Libra's in our family.

AM is our fourth and final child. Her birth story starts with her conception. I'll spare you the intimate details of our amazing night. lol! Afterwards Josh and I lay in bed, our bodies were literally vibrating. Something neither of us have ever experienced, it was very unique. He rolled over and said,"I wouldn't be surprised if ended up pregnant after tonight." We weren't really trying, but we weren't preventing it either. I didn't say anything to it, but I just knew that I was pregnant. I knew that this would be a very special pregnancy. It definitely was more spiritual by far.

AM came to me several times during my pregnancy to tell me of her mission here on earth, that she would be a healer. And she loved any kind of energy work I had done on me, it always got her moving. I also looked into a new birthing method called Hypnobabies. It is actual medical hypnosis for childbirth. LOVE IT!!!

Three weeks before AM's "guess date"(a term for those who are familiar with the Hypnobabies language), I was having a lot of birthing waves(another Hypnobabies term). I felt like it could be the day. We started getting the house ready and calling everyone that we had invited to attend the birth. The birthing waves kept coming. We called my amazing midwife, Suzanne. My doulas, Roz and Tisha. And a few other people. Suzanne checked me first thing and I was totally disappointed to find that I was only 3 cm's. The birthing waves were starting to die down. I sent everyone home and tried to nap, conserve my energy. About three hours later they picked up again with more intensity. We called everyone back. Still no progress as far as dialation was concerned. My funny midwife then gave me two options, that she could manually dialated my cervix(OUCH!) or tell everyone to go h0me again and try for more sleep. I decided for the latter option. When I was completely honest with myself, I felt like I had performance anxiety. Like they wanted me to birth my baby more than I wanted to. After four hours of what felt like transition, we sent everyone home and my birthing waves completely stopped at midnight.

For the next three weeks, nothing, nada, zero, zilch. No birthing waves AT ALL. No hints at all that birth was near.

Friday, October 13th was approaching(AM's guess date was Oct 15th). Being the superstitious mom that I am, I kept thinking that I didn't want a baby on Friday the 13th. Talk about the Law of Attraction, AM had decided to pick her own birthday. Sure enough my birthing time began promptly at midnight at the beginning of Friday the 13th.

I remember just getting into bed about 10 minutes prior to everything beginning. One birthing wave began with a lot of intensity. I was trying not to get my hopes up. After about five good birthing waves I began to go deep inside myself and let go. I felt my baby slip underneath my pubic bone with such ease. I was so amazed at how intune I was with my body. 20 minutes later my water broke. AM's head was so low that nothing came out, just a tiny trickle. I let Josh know that it was baby time, that was his cue to call our midwife and this time only our one favorite doula and friend, Tisha.

The time between Josh making the calls and me getting in the tub was a total whirlwind. I was deep in my hypnosis experiencing time distortion. I remember doing some cleaning. I felt in control the entire time. It was painless too, I was just enjoying the sensations and being in awe of what my body was doing.

My midwife, Suzanne, showed up and found me sitting on the toilet. I had a huge urge to have a bowel movement. With a smile on her face she told me to get my butt of the toilet so she could check me. Sure enough I was 8 cm's. I got off our bed and gave Josh a High Five, smiles and hurray's all around. I got into our tub and relaxed in the warm water. My doula showed up and took pictures. One moment I'll never forget is Josh, Tisha, and Suzanne just sitting in front of the tub in complete awe. It was so quiet, I felt like I had to talk or entertain them. Tisha later told me she was just amazed at how calm I was. A little bit before 5 a.m. I started getting huge urges to push. I instructed Josh or Tisha, I can't remember, to put in my "Pushing Baby Out" hypnosis script into the cd player. I pushed my 9lbs 1 oz baby girl into my arms. I was euphoric.

I had my baby in my arms and was just relaxing in the tub waiting to push out the afterbirth. It was so much fun inspecting her. She had a head FULL of hair and was so calm. I spent those precious minutes just gazing into her eyes. She was gorgeous! Once everything was complete, Josh was able to cut the cord once it stopped pulsating. I got out of the tub, walked over to our bed and just held her more. After about 30 minutes my midwife did all the newborn examinations and screening right there on our bed. I participated throught the whole thing and Suzanne was very respectful of AM, no harsh rubbing but gentle hands and soft voices. It was beautiful and peaceful and easy. My midwife left a few hours later, we dressed our new baby(she had no name for the first 2 days of her life, but we eventually found a fitting name for the day she was born on) and snuggled her in bed as we fell asleep.

A few hours later we woke up, got our kids up and introduced them to their new sister. JA was so mad at us, he really wanted to see her birth. I had done a lot of preparation with him for this birth, but in the end it was in the middle of the night, he was asleep and everything was already so peaceful that we didn't see the need to add more to it. So he scolded us and then asked me the next day for a baby brother. ROFLMBO! I told him that mommy needed some time to heal and that IF we had another baby I would definitely let him be at the birth. Um, that's a BIG IF!

AM is such a wonderful baby, we couldn't ask for anything more. I love her personality and how she has already sensed what her mission in life is. She has brought a great deal of healing to our family in so many ways. We love you AM!!!

Fun dinner!

Last night I got together with an old friend from high school. I haven't seen Scott Pearson for 10 years. Too long! My hubby and I got to meet his awesome wife Melanie and their adorable little boy Matthew(too cute!). We reminisced about the good ol' days at GHS and about life. It was fun and I'm definitely looking forward to our next get-together.

Thanks Scott and Melanie! You two were so much fun.

Josh and I completed our night by finding a vacant parking lot and making out til .......JUST KIDDING! We ended up going to the movies and seeing Seeker: The Dark Is Rising. Please don't waste your money on this movie. Wait til it goes to the $1 movies and then take your little guy, he'll love it. Just enough action for little people, but a story line that makes you think there's more coming and then nothing. Bah!

One year older

Happy Birthday to me! I'm the big 2-9! My hubby's birthday present to me is to send me out shopping. I'm so excited! My wardrobe is dying for an overhall - no more frumpy mommy lounge clothes. lol! I'll have to drag along my fashion savvy little sister who knows more about what's "in" than I do. Wish me luck that I'll find some good sales along the way.

Sweet!

I love my new template! This blog has free templates and they are uber cute!

http://matiekay.blogspot.com/