Socially awkward or inappropriate, take your pick.

I'm having a pity party. And I feel like it's okay to post it here because I know noone reads my blog. Plus I really need to get some stuff off my chest, so here goes nothing....

What is wrong with me? All my life I have felt like I don't fit in. I don't know if it's just because my brain is hard wired different or whatever, but as far back as I can remember I have always had this ability to make people uncomfortable or disconnected from me by being socially inappropriate. It's so frustrating to say what you feel is appropriate to you and be totally opposite of what the other person was expecting, thus resulting in them loosing confidence in whatever credibility they thought you had.

Over the last two weeks I've had two experiences that I can't seem to let go of. The first was at Relief Society. Now those who know me(mostly my family) know that I've become accustom to staying silent, smile, nod, act like you get what they're talking about. So I rarely offer any input in classes. I learned when I was a child, because of my social inappropriate answers to keep my mouth shut. Because most often it's not the answer the other person was looking for.

Our Relief Society president was teaching the lesson and posed the question, why is it important for us to take care of our bodies? The lesson was on body image. I felt confident I had an answer that would give more insight into the lesson. So raised my hand and offered my take, the word flowed effortlessly through me and it felt like truth to me. Still does. The expression on her face made my stomache churn and I knew that just then I spewed forth a crap load of social inappropriateness. She then said,"Well, that's depressing. Anyone else have a positive perspective on this question?" I wanted to dig myself a deep hole and just hide in it.

The other experience happened yesterday. As a doula, I'm very passionate about childbirth. So when a potential client seeks me out I meet with them to make sure we have a good connection. Birth is such a sacred experience, it's important that if you are hiring a doula that you have a connection with her. And I always encourage that the mom-to-be interview more than one doula, just to be sure.

So yesterday, I opened up my email and find that another doula in my POD(a doula group) has emailed me the entire email conversation between her and a potential client. I had already been interviewed by this potential client in the previous week. She stated in her emails to my fellow doula that she didn't have a connection with me. That would've been fine if she'd just left it there. But went on to talk about how I freaked her and her husband out and then exaggerate some of the things I said. I'm not sure what I did specifically, but I felt like I had been true to myself. I didn't misrepresent what birthing doulas are about. My fellow doula on the other hand was very unprofessional, in my opinion. She has been the one who has constantly reminded me of being professional when it comes to talking about other doulas to clients. I'm sorry, but what she said and then did is very two-faced. Her words talk about how appalling my behavior was with the client, mostly just trying to save face because she wanted to be hired by this client.

I'm starting to wonder what my mission here on earth is. Was I just meant to be a mom? I feel underneath that I'm more than that, but all I've learned from this earthly experience is that it's never good to be myself.