Marriage

As if my blog wasn't already a downer, I think I'll add another log on the fire. I feel the need to blog about my marriage today. Maybe someone can sympathize with me, but have you ever woken up on morning and wondered what happened to me? And how did I get here? I can't deny it anymore, but I feel very unfulfilled in my marriage - in every area.

Now before I start making sound like my husband sound like not a nice guy, let me say he is. He is an excellent catch. He a great listener, a great provider, an awesome father - he absolutely loves his children, the most logical and objectional thinker I know(which is a huge help to me because most times I'm the irrational, impulsive one), not a quitter, always full of solutions, and is totally cute-to-boot!

No the problem doesn't lie with him, but me. I guess I had this expectation that when I eventually married that I would be my husband's muse, his inspiration, and that I could help his reach his full potential, help him feel his self-worth as much as he helps me feel my divine nature. Well, it didn't turn out that way. How do you inspired, encourage, enlighten someone who already does that for you? I entered into our marriage feeling very inadequate, feeling not needed. How had I attracted someone so wonderful, so giving, so loving, so self-sufficient? I immediately felt really low, just feeling like I would never match him. And immediately I felt even worse because I remember a quote by one our General Authorities, I don't remember who said it, but it went along the lines of," the General Authorities are in the positions they are today because of the women they married". Then to make matters worse my husband said one day after a Fast & Testimony meeting, after me commenting on how wonderful it was that a lot of husbands were getting up and praising their wives, that the wives must be deserving of such praise, in other words they did the work to get the prize.

Well, that did it for me. I was doomed to be unhappy in this marriage. I already felt inadequate, felt unworthy of praise, and it made me hurt even more because here is this wonderful man, this spiritual giant who should be doing great things and I can't inspire him. On top of it he's been sick our entire marriage with various ailments(one for which he had surgery for). And now my body is starting to manifest my unhappiness(my thyroid, adrenals, and gallbladder are not functioning right anymore). When do you say enough is enough?

I guess I'm at a crossroads in my marriage right now. I miss me, how I used to be before we were dating. So full of energy and life, just starting to figure out my place and be comfortable with who I was. But the consequences of leaving an 8-year marriage with four children has profound effects. At times I can't even rationalize my reasons. This would be devastating to our small children and I've seen what the effects of divorce have on children. However, my kids need a fully functional mom. How do I find happiness for them when I feel hopeless?